I feel I have come back to myself in a way. It is as if I have relearned my own truth or recovered a piece of me. This is what I call healing or discovering wholeness. This time it looks like this.
I regret my actions at times. I have done things that are hurtful or humiliating to others as well as myself, and I regret those things - deeply regret them. A memory of these times engages that warm wash of shame Brene Brown often speaks of. I have much growth ahead of me and lots to uncover and discover.
However, the idea that decisions made in the past are to be regretted believing that making a different choice would have brought another outcome isn’t part of my authentic self and I do not see it in you. We ALL do the best we can in any given situation.
I am sure of it.
This I KNOW.
This I decided long ago but had forgotten.
It is so easy to look back with current eyes on past situations and judge ourselves harshly. Hindsight vision is frequently nearsighted.
Our brain regularly defaults to the idea that a different choice would result in a different outcome. It is fighting for black and white answers. It wants things simple. “If we had turned left instead of right, that would have saved me from an accident” our mind falsely proclaims.
Our brains present one possibility, but there are endless possibilities.
This nearsightedness has shown up for me when I feel I get inspiration, but the outcome doesn’t show up the way I expected. I begin to question myself and regret my actions. I feel like I have been gaslighted. It has made me play small to stay “safe”.
And then, Aha!
I realize I need to allow for the inspiration to be the success. It is the follow-through that I want to celebrate, not the result. If the result is exciting, I will hold another celebration. I am separating the two and hope to have more parties.
I have been disconnected from the part of me that once knew this and lived it. It was with me once before. I sense its familiar feeling, but somehow it was lost. I have been buying into regret in my life and focusing on the result to legitimize my inspiration. No more!
God writes straight with crooked lines. - C. S. Lewis
Who am I to judge my inspiration with hindsight vision?
Maybe the outcomes are perfect?
Possibly the point was the inspiration in and of itself? Here lie endless possibilities once again.
Finding all the pieces of my true self may take a lifetime. Perhaps losing them is all part of the plan? All I know is that finding them again brings a feeling of peace as well as excitement to my life. Letting go of and taking back in mirrors the breath and cycles of life. It is the point and the purpose of life.
In this space, I feel whole once again. It feels good. It feels right.